After Kate’s Death: My Journey Continues

I thought I’d report in on how I’ve been doing in my process of recovering from the loss of my dear wife and partner, Kate, from pancreatic cancer this past May.  I’ve been spending most of my time by myself at home lately, continuing to go through, clean up, clear out, and fix up from years of neglect that occurred while Kate and I devoted ourselves body and soul to our work at The Mesa.  I’ve made great strides in this endeavor and the place is looking and feeling better and better.  Along the way I’ve continued to find little surprises here and there and they have helped me to put into place some of the missing puzzle pieces about who Kate was, how she saw herself, and what troubled her.  From this I feel that I have gotten to know her that much better since she passed away nearly 4 months ago than I was able to while she was alive.  Maybe the speed of life made it too hard to really study her in the same leisurely way.

I have also come to know myself much better through my readjustment to life without my spiritual twin and have had some huge openings within my own healing process that may have only been possible because of the vast still space presented to me by Kate’s passing.  She’s given me a chance to start life over with a clear conscience and a clean slate, and veritably sling-shot me into the next higher orbit of my spiritual growth.  I am very grateful to her for that sacrifice she made for the “team”.  I feel I’m doing a pretty good job of honoring that gift with probing introspection and diligent inner work.  The Guided Head Movement healing technique we pioneered together has been greatly instrumental in freeing myself from old restraints, and I hope that my work will somehow benefit Kate, too.

I’m still getting used to being with only Brad and becoming better company to myself.  I miss being with all of my Mesa friends, but understand that many of you are still in grief and shock over what transpired and are finding it hard to reach out.  Many people have asked me if I think our Mesa cat, “Sedona Arizona” is lonely these days.  I stop and spend quality time with her often and she seems her regular independent (“Me-yow!”) self.  Strangely, no one has asked me that question about myself.  Yes, I am.  Yes, I cry.

I have still not heard at all from Kate, but have been allowed to see that she is cocooned in deep, deep sleep on the Other Side, needing to recover from the physical ordeal she endured at the end of her life among us.  I have connected with those who are looking after her in Spirit and was told that she just has to “sleep it off”.  Needless to say, I miss her very much and would love to know about a few things, right from the horse’s mouth.  I’m just hoping it’s not going to be ten years from now and she scares the bejeebers out of me by appearing in my bedroom some night!

For those of you who haven’t seen me since Kate’s memorial ceremony or before, I might look a bit different.  I’ve shaved off my wiry mustache.  The consensus seems to be that I look much younger without it (a good thing), but I did it because I wanted to see myself “naked,” so to speak, as I look deeply at what I am and what I want.  I needed to make sure I wasn’t hiding behind it or using it as a shield, disguise, or embellishment.  I hadn’t seen my upper lip in something like 40 years and it’s still a bit shocking to me to see my own reflection.  Looking at myself sans-mustache has helped remind me in a felt-sense way that I am not my reflection in the mirror, or even my body, but the Light in between.  Changing my “look” has helped with the “everything is new now” swing of this momentous life change.  My top lip still feels really weird.

Probably the greatest lesson of my journey without Kate so far has been that if I stand my ground and face things, they change.  If I avoid, evade, procrastinate, or run away, my suffering continues or even grows.  I learned to put on my “Big Boy pants” and in short order took care of all kinds of sticky 3rd Density stuff (Mundane world legal, financial, accounting, “rules” and regulations.) and house cleaning I dreaded, much to my relief.  I tackle at minimum a few little things every day.  Though I’ve got lots more to go I now breathe easier and have begun to focus on more important and lofty stuff.

I feel that with what I’ve seen, learned, and been through in the last year or so that I am ready to be a Giver of Wisdom to those who are really ready to apply it to their lives and not just entertain people who are interested in “spiritual stuff” or modality healing.  I’m hopeful to find a place to do just that where the landscape is beautiful, the weather is beautiful, the women are beautiful, and the inhabitants are friendly.  Where’s that?

I still have no set-in-stone plans for The Mesa, but I’m feeling more and more that my work there is largely done.  I kind of had it in my head not to spend another winter here in the Pittsburgh area, but I’m seeing that it may be unrealistic to think of making any moves before spring.  I am still keeping my eyes open as to where I will go and what I will do for the next phase of my spiritual work.  Yes, I am watching the signs, but nothing has glaringly shown itself to me yet.  It could come in a day, a month, or a year, in a phone call, email, or chance meeting.  I know I still have more to do on my chosen path of helping to Light the world.  And I’m looking forward to a good ride. (Sigh!)

About Brad Silberberg

Brad Silberberg, director of The Mesa Creative Arts Center in Burgettstown, PA (Pittsburgh area) is an artist, holistic healer, spiritual leader, and change agent.
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